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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27727586">Staged Smiles</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/poppyfields/pseuds/poppyfields'>poppyfields</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Canon Compliant, Crushes, Friendship, M/M, POV First Person, Pining, Relationship(s), Smoking, Unrequited Love</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 17:41:21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,162</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27727586</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/poppyfields/pseuds/poppyfields</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>What's the difference between smiling and being happy? Is there one?<br/>Sugawara knows he can choose to smile. That's as good as being happy isn't it? So why does it always feel wrong?</p><p>Written from Suga's perspective.</p><p>CW: drug use</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Michimiya Yui/Sawamura Daichi, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>31</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Staged Smiles</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There’s not a lot I’m good at. It’s not that I’m bad at anything, well, I’m pretty awful at cooking, but I get good grades, I’ve always been pretty athletic, and I make friends easily enough. I’m just not outstanding in any way. And it’s not like I need to be. I’m happy where I am. Comfortably average. Sure, I thought I’d get to play volleyball with my friends in my third year instead of sit on the bench with all the second years that used to skip practice, but if I was playing we wouldn’t have gotten as far as we did. Really I’m thankful there are people better than me, because a world as average as I am would be a boring one to live in.</p><p>People tell me they love me, and I think they do, to a certain extent. They laugh at my jokes, they invite me out with them, but sometimes I wonder how different their lives would be if I wasn’t there. It’s a stupid thing to worry about, of course if I wasn’t around I’d want them to still be happy. I hope they don’t rely on me for their own sense of wellbeing, but still, sometimes when they tell me they love me I wonder what that really means. I wonder if they even know what they’re saying, or why they’re saying it. </p><p>Daichi tells me he loves me often. He says it casually, when I let him copy an assignment he forgot about, when I give him a bite of my lunch, when I give him pep talks before big games that I thought I would be playing in. He says it the same way he says “thank you”. I’m not sure if he means it the same way, too. He doesn’t say it to the first years, but he tells Asahi he loves him too, he’s said it to Kiyoko once or twice, and sometimes when Tanaka and Nishinoya do something stupid he’ll chuckle and say “I love those guys”. He says it to me most, but he says it the same way.</p><p>I don’t say “I love you” to Daichi. I said it once, in second year. He had told me he loved me a hundred times by then and I convinced myself the words had no meaning, so when he clapped me on the back outside my house one day and included the words in his goodbye, I thought it wouldn’t be a big deal if I said them back. It’s not the same, though, when I say it. I don’t love him the way I love Asahi, or Kiyoko. I don’t love him the way he loves me.</p><p>It came out clunky and awkward and he looked at me with a slight confusion, before laughing and turning away. I never said it again. I don’t think I ever will.</p>
<hr/><p>“Sugawara-senpai!” Hinata rushes up to me as I unlock the gym doors.<br/>
As early as I am I assumed I would have a couple minutes alone, but I should have known I wouldn’t be the earliest. I doubt I’ll ever be the earliest again.<br/>
“Good morning,” I smile, pushing the door open to the familiar emptiness inside, “Is Kageyama here too?”<br/>
Hinata bristles, looking offended, “What, you think we come to school together? Just because we’re in the same class and-”<br/>
“Good morning,” Kageyama interrupts from behind him.<br/>
Hinata whips around in shock and the two of them start their daily bickering. With a laugh I kick off my outdoor shoes and step into the gym.<br/>
Even with the sound of Kageyama and Hinata’s arguing outside the open door, I enjoy the quiet of the empty room. I always have. </p><p>One of my favourite memories in all of high school was in the first month after I joined the volleyball team. Me, Asahi and Daichi were assigned clean-up duty for the first time. I liked them well enough but it wasn’t like we were really friends yet. Asahi was really shy back then, not that he’s much better now, and Daichi was so serious, especially when it came to volleyball, it intimidated me. When all our upperclassmen left the gym it was shockingly silent. Uncomfortably so, at least, I was uncomfortable at the time.</p><p>“So, Azumane, you’ve got a pretty powerful spike,” I tried as we started to wrap up the net together, “You hoping to be the ace one day?”<br/>
He must have been more resigned to the silence than I was, because he nearly jumped at the sound of my voice.<br/>
“Oh, um, I don’t know,” This was how Asahi started most sentences in first year, “Probably not. I’m not that good, my middle school wasn’t known for volleyball or anything. I’ve never even played in an official match.”<br/>
“Well there’s a first time for everything,” I tried to smile at him as warmly as I could, hoping he would be able to relax a bit, “I think you’d make a great ace.”<br/>
My eyes scanned the room for Diachi, “Right, Sawamura-kun?”<br/>
Daichi turned, his hands full with a bucket of jerseys he’d just washed. He looked at me, then at Asahi. His expression turned kind in the way I always hoped mine could be, the way mine never quite was. It was all in the eyes, I think.<br/>
“Of course,” he smiled, his voice addictively smooth, even when the rest of ours were cracking, “You’re stronger than you think, Azumane-kun.”</p><p>His voice affected me in a way I couldn’t quite figure out at the time. It stuck in my head for some strange reason. Obviously I understand what that was now.</p><p>When we’d finished all the cleaning, the three of us sat at the edge of the gym. It took much longer than it should have, but it was our first time. We had no concept of how long it should take to mop a gym floor or round up the balls that had rolled to every inch of the court. We were exhausted and, though there had been more silence than conversation as we cleaned, we suddenly felt a lot closer than we had. At least I felt closer to them. So as we sat, the sky outside dark and the entire campus empty, enveloped in complete and utter silence, I could feel a sort of bond between us. I could feel the friendship that was to come.</p>
<hr/><p>Now, more than two years later an empty gym still reminds me of that day. Still, the only sound I prefer to a silent gym is when Daichi’s voice is the only thing that rolls through the room. </p><p>“Well I came early to practice my receives,” Hinata pushes past me into the gym, walking backwards so he can keep talking to Kageyama, “I’m getting good. Soon you’ll have nothing to insult me about,” he looks over at me, “I’m getting good, right senpai?”<br/>
I meet his eyes, grateful that I’m looking down, and smile. Honestly I have no idea whether his receives are improving, it’s not like I keep track of the progress of every single player. I’m not the coach. I’m not the captain.<br/>
“Yup,” I lie anyway.<br/>
It doesn’t matter much what I say, I’m not a part of the conversation. I don’t need to be. I’m just another person in the area. That’s a role I’m generally pretty used to playing.</p><p>In the following few minutes, I find myself doing most of the setup as Hinata and Kageyama continue talking, fighting, flirting, whatever you want to call it. Kiyoko comes in next, which is nice. We always get along pretty well. As long as I’ve known her, I’ve really respected Kiyoko for her straightforwardness. She talks to people she wants to talk to, she doesn’t talk to people she doesn’t. She smiles when she’s happy and frowns when she’s sad and she tells you what she thinks without caring how you interpret it. That’s another of the many things I’m not particularly good at. </p><p>The rest of the team arrives over the course of the next ten minutes, though Tsukishima and Yamaguchi are a couple minutes late, and we start practice as usual. In fact, the entire practice goes by as it always does. We stretch, we run, we do drills for passing, receiving, hitting. Tanaka takes his shirt off to celebrate some minor achievement about thirty minutes in. Tsukishima mutters something to Yamaguchi when Hinata misses an easy receive. At some point Daichi asks me to set so Kageyama can practice his spikes. He tells me he loves me when I agree. He doesn’t even look at me when he says it. A pretty standard day.</p><p>When we get to our class Michimiya is standing outside the door. Daichi tells me to go in, tells me he’ll just be a minute. I smile and agree. I flash a knowing grin at Michimiya. As if I want her to talk to Daichi. As if I’m ok with the fact that she likes him, that he probably likes her back. I wish that were really true. I settle in my desk, happily chatting with my classmates, as if my mind isn’t half in the hallway. Hoping they don’t notice my eyes flick over every time there’s a noise at the door. I wish I could say this wasn’t like every other day. I wish I could say I didn’t always do this.</p><p>At lunch me and Daichi sit with some other guys in our class. I talk more than anyone else, even though I have nothing to say. They all laugh at my jokes though, and Daichi looks at me with his little smirk. The little half smile that means he wants to look unimpressed, he wants to tell me to stop talking, or that I’m being ridiculous, but that he’s too amused to do it. The silly little smile I love so much. I know I should shut up, let someone with something interesting to say speak, but it makes me want to keep talking. I want to keep his eyes on me.</p><p>After school the volleyball team plays practice games. Like we always do. I kind of like them though. It’s nice to play setter again. Nice to call Asahi’s name as I toss the ball exactly how he likes it. Nice to run for a bad pass. Nice to see Hinata’s jumps from right below him. Today Daichi and I are on opposing sides. I like tossing to him, but this is good too. When we’re both in the front, waiting for a serve, and I stand in right up by the net, where I’ll wait to block him. When we lock eyes through the netting and I raise an eyebrow in a silent taunt. It always makes him smile in a certain way and, though I can’t quite explain it, I know what it means. I like when I can communicate with him without saying a word. I like how I can tell what he’s thinking.</p><p>The whole team walks to Sakanoshita Market after practice and I talk easily with Daichi and Asahi. In front of us Tanaka and Nishinoya make some nasty joke I don’t quite hear. Daichi hears it though, and he raises himself up behind them. The way that makes me think he’s a character in some shonen with a cartoonish threatening aura. The second years are terrified. I laugh. Sometimes I think Daichi was born to be captain. Even in first year I felt like he deserved my respect for some reason. I know Asahi felt the same way. Even now he cowers a bit in Daichi’s aura, and he’s not even the person the anger’s directed at.</p><p>We all get something from the store. Most of them get food, but I’m not really hungry. Ukai looks at me funny when I place the pack of rolling papers on the counter, but I don’t address it. I’m out, my mom found my bong a while ago and still hasn’t given it back, and the other convenience store is fifteen minutes away. I’ve decided to just accept the judgement. Daichi judges me too, when he sees me slip them into my jacket pocket.<br/>
“How often are you smoking that you need new papers already?” he asks, “Didn’t you buy your last pack like a month ago?”<br/>
I don’t feel like doing this, if his complaints were going to change anything I’d have stopped smoking in first year, which I did for a couple months, but that’s besides the point. It pisses me off, but I fake a laugh anyway.<br/>
“It’s fine, those were like specialty or something,” Daichi raises his eyebrow, to say he doesn’t see how that’s relevant, “There were only like 22 in the pack.”<br/>
“22? In a month? That’s almost one a day!”<br/>
I want to tell him that’s nothing. I want to tell him how much I used to smoke when I still had my bong. I want to tell him it’s funny how little he knows about me. How little he understands me, when I understand him so well. I don’t want to start a fight though.</p><p>I shrug and go back to the group. I know he won’t continue to lecture me with the rest of the team around, he wants me to be a good influence on the first years. I guess he thinks I wouldn't be if they knew I smoked. The ten of us, Tsukishima and Yamaguchi didn’t come to the Market today, take up half the storefront and half of the street. Everyone is talking and laughing, eating and drinking whatever they bought inside. We know it won’t be long before Ukai comes out to shoo us away. Saying we’re scaring away his customers. We enjoy each other’s company until he does. </p><p>Daichi walks me home when the rest of the team parts ways. He often walks me home. He says it’s on his way but I’ve been to his house and it really isn’t. I guess my place is closer to his than Asahi’s, but that doesn’t mean it’s close. I don’t know why he does it, maybe he doesn’t like walking home alone, maybe after I asked him to do it once in first year it became a habit, maybe he enjoys my company. Sometimes I convince myself it’s romantic. It’s the kind of thing a boyfriend does isn’t it? Walks you home even when it puts him at an inconvenience, but I know that’s not what Daichi’s thinking. I try not to kid myself like that.</p><p>At home my mom’s already prepared dinner. I’m glad because it means I can eat with her right away, do the dishes, and then I have no reason to leave my room for the rest of the night. The new rolling papers are good. I wonder if Ukai stocks the ones he uses, though I’m sure these aren’t meant for cigarettes. I spend the rest of the night curled in my bed, submitting to my sudden urge to rewatch movies from my childhood. I end up falling asleep late, despite having been tired all day. I wonder if it’s the strain I bought, but I know that’s just an excuse. I know my vague, unending exhaustion extends past what I smoked that day. Though, maybe Daichi’s right and I should lay off a bit.</p>
<hr/><p>The next day goes by much like the last. Practice, class, lunch, practice. There's a point where Daichi's right behind my shoulder. He says something to the first years in front of us. I can feel his deep voice on my ear, on my neck. I imagine what it would be like to pull him close to me, to have his arms wrapped around me and his head over my shoulder. I imagine his mouth on my ear. I wish I didn't imagine it. I wish I didn't crave things I will never have, but I've never been good at being realistic, at controlling my thoughts.</p><p>He comes over to my house after practice. We have an assignment to work on. It's math. He's better at math than I am, but I don't feel bad for relying on him to explain. I've spent countless hours explaining English assignments to him. He laughs when I tell him we should just give up thirty minutes in. He hits me on the head with his notebook. I try not to smile, I try to keep up the act. The assignment doesn't end up taking that long, but Daichi says he wants to stay a little longer. I try not to pretend that means anything. We watch a movie, I ask if he wants to smoke and he says strictly "no".</p><p>I used to wish Daichi would smoke with me, but now I'm sort of glad he hates it. I'm bad at taming my imagination sober, but when I'm high it's even harder. I can't stop myself from staring at his lips, from wondering what they feel like. I can't stop myself from imagining his hands twisting through my hair, our tongues tangling together. I can picture it so clearly I can feel it. The last time I was high around Daichi I found myself touching him. Not in any way that couldn't be excused as friendly, but much more than the friendliness we exchanged on a normal day. I think it's better he hates the smell, and hates the feeling.</p><p>When he leaves it's late. Late enough that if my sleep schedule wasn't unbelievably fucked up I could go right to bed the minute he disappears down the darkened street, but I can't. I end up studying for a few more hours. I don't have anything I really need to study, but it's not often I spend an entire night sober. I might as well take advantage of it. I fall asleep with only a few hours to spare before my alarm goes off. I don't sleep well.</p><p>The next day is somehow worse. I'm in a bad mood, I don't know why. No one seems to notice though, of course they don't, my smile's the same as always, I make the same silly jokes, the same cheerful comments. When Daichi tells me he's going out to lunch with Michimiya, something he does every couple of weeks or so, it's harder to take today. I find myself sitting in the club room, where I'm sure no one will find me, crying. I feel stupid, but it's better than sitting in the class with my friends I don't care about, talking, most likely, about what exactly the two volleyball captains might be doing at their lunch.</p><p>"Suga?" Asahi opens the door with no warning.<br/>
Still, I manage to pull myself together. My eyes must be slightly red, but my smile is as pristine as it always is. I doubt he'll know I was crying.<br/>
"Hey Asahi, what'cha doing?"<br/>
"Uh, I was looking for you," he eyes me suspiciously.<br/>
I suppose it makes sense he's suspicious, I don't normally eat lunch in here, and I'm alone, and my eyes are red.<br/>
"Were you smoking?" He asks, "you know you shouldn't do that at school."<br/>
I should be glad right? I didn't want him to know I was crying. I've never told him about my feelings and I don't ever plan to. I still feel oddly hurt though. Like even though I'm lying to him, hiding myself, as my friend he should still know. That's ridiculous though.<br/>
I let myself laugh, "Oh come on, Asahi, not you! I don't have enough people lecturing me?"<br/>
He smiles for a second, looks away then back at me, not saying anything. I know the look in his eye.<br/>
"You wanna join me?"</p><p>I normally don't smoke at school. The little judgemental looks Diachi gives me normally that I can happily laugh off are more serious when we're in school, more scary. He really doesn't like it. Today I don't care. He can go tell his little girlfriend about it if he's mad at me. They can laugh about what a loser I am. Sitting in the clubroom with Asahi like this is worth it. It's more fun.</p><p>I like Asahi when he's high. Not that I don't like him normally, he's one of my best friends, but he's funny when he's high. He laughs at everything, things he would hate when he's sober. The best thing is when he's high around Nishinoya. Noya never quite picks up on the red around Asahi's eyes or his slow speech, he always assumes he's just suddenly become funnier. He'll tell awful jokes and do stupid physical comedy and Asahi will be in tears. They only encourage each other. They're really cute. They really like each other. I always wish it didn't make me so jealous.</p><p>When the bell rings, me and Asahi grab each other's shoulders, locking eyes.<br/>
"Nooo," we call in harmony.<br/>
"Should we skip? I want to skip," Asahi tells me.<br/>
It takes me a minute to decide on my response.<br/>
"No, we should go to class."<br/>
He pouts at me, "I'm gonna be so anxious! Suga, no!"<br/>
I push myself off the bench, "you can skip if you want. Text Noya or something, he'll skip with you."<br/>
"Noooo," Asahi repeats, though he seems to have no further capability for conversation.</p><p>I feel bad for him. I wish we could skip together, but I really should go to class. I wasn't even planning on smoking, I should at least try and keep it from affecting my grades. Any more than my decreased brain power already will.<br/>
Maybe it's just an excuse. Maybe I just want to be in class with Daichi again. I want to claim any time with him that I can. When he hasn't left me for Michimiya. God, I'm such a mess. </p><p>I'm a couple seconds late to class, and Daichi looks at me like he knows exactly what I was doing. I'm slightly glad it's obvious. If I'd just been crying he might have to ask. I'm glad that wasn't all I did. The class doesn't make any sense. There are only two new lines in my notebook by the time we're done and I don't understand what they mean. I ask Daichi to decipher them, but he’s as confused as I am. I find it funny. He doesn’t.</p><p>“Well that was shit,” Asahi tells me the second I see him for after school practice.<br/>
I laugh.<br/>
“You went to class then?”<br/>
He looks at me like I’m teasing him.<br/>
“Like I would skip without you. I only break rules when I can pretend it’s your fault.”<br/>
“I’m glad you admit it,” I laugh with him.<br/>
Daichi gives us a look.<br/>
“Don’t look at us like that,” I tease, “You were free to join us.”<br/>
“Ah, he had better things to do,” Asahi starts, making me regret the joke, “With his <i>girlfriend</i>.”<br/>
Daichi throws a ball at him, “She’s not my girlfriend.”<br/>
“Not yet,” Asahi grins.<br/>
My smile remains solid, but my brain has checked out of the conversation. I’d rather Daichi keep lecturing me, or not say anything at all. This is so much worse.</p>
<hr/><p>After that, weeks pass like those days. Practice, class, lunch, practice, smoking after school. On weekends sometimes I meet up with my friends. We play video games, or go out to watch movies. Some days are worse than others. Some days I find myself crying. Some days I don’t feel anything. I laugh, and smile, and cheer people up. I treat the whole team to steamed buns one day, they all say they love me. Maybe they believe it. I don't. Mostly I’d say I’m happy, or as happy as I always am. My friends are all happy. That’s more important to me.</p><p>One day Daichi has news. He and Michimiya are officially a couple. No one is all that surprised. I know I’m not. I still cry though. I still act like there had ever been any doubt as to whether this would happen. Whether he liked her. Whether he liked me. I still smile at the two of them when I see they’re together. Even though it makes me feel like there’s a hole in my chest. I still participate in the many stupid conversations our friends insist on having about what it’s like to have a girlfriend, why he likes her, how far they’ve gotten. It makes me sick, but I still smile. I still sing a taunting “ooh” when he blushes. It would be suspicious if I didn’t.</p><p>I find myself high more often than I’m sober after that point. I know it’s not healthy. If I didn’t know Daichi would still be happy to tell me, but it feels better. When I’m high I don’t need much to make me happy. I can eat a bag of rice crackers and stare at a tree and it’s the best thing I’ve done all day. When I’m sober I need to be actually happy, actually content with my life. I need to feel like things are going well in general. That’s not something that’s really been happening recently.</p><p>“I’m cutting you off,” Daichi tells me one day as I take out a paper to roll while we’re walking.<br/>
It takes me a second to figure out what he means. Another to figure out if he’s joking. I realise he’s not, but I laugh anyway.<br/>
“And how exactly do you plan to do that?”<br/>
For some reason I wouldn’t mind starting a fight today. For some reason I’d be okay to see his anger directed at me. I haven’t felt that in a long time.<br/>
“Wha-” Daichi must realise I don’t talk back to him like this normally, even if he doesn’t know why, “I’ll flush your stash.”<br/>
It makes me laugh. Half fake, but half genuine. It’s funny to hear him say those words. I know he’s probably quoting them directly from some TV show.<br/>
“You don’t even know where I keep my weed,” I tell him, “And I’m not giving it to you.”<br/>
Daichi looks frustrated. This has always been the one thing we disagree on, but normally I don’t argue this much. I make excuses or I try to distract him. I like that I’m surprising him. Sometimes I want to remind him he doesn’t know me as well as he thinks he does.<br/>
“Sugawara I don’t understand,” his tone is angry, but it’s different from the tone he uses with our underclassmen. I think it’s because he respects me, but if that were true wouldn’t he let me make my own decisions, “Why are you doing this? You’re putting yourself at risk. Plus, it’s illegal.”<br/>
I roll my eyes, “Maybe that career aptitude test was right. Maybe you should be a cop,” I narrowed my glare at him, “Why do you care what I do?”</p><p>He looks at me confused, as if I should know the answer to that, but I don’t. Sure, we’re friends, but he has other friends. He has Asahi and the boys in our class, he has Michimiya. If he really doesn’t like me, if he really doesn’t like the things I do, couldn’t he just stop hanging out with me? We’ll probably stop being friends after we graduate anyway. I know why I hang out with him. He’s kind and funny, he’s more genuine and caring than anyone else I know, he’s cute when he smiles. I know him better than I know anyone else. He barely even knows me, though I guess he doesn’t know that. I know he doesn’t love me though, so no, I don’t know why he cares.</p><p>“Of course I care,” he says, “you’re my best friend, and I love you. Of course I care what you do.”<br/>
I’m reminded that Daichi doesn’t live in my mind. He lives in his own. In his world he knows me. In his world I’m the person I present to him every day. I guess in some ways I am. In his world he loves me, but love means something different in his world.<br/>
“Whatever.”<br/>
I fold the paper back into the pack. I’ll do it after he’s gone I guess. It’s a waste of time to say the things I want to say to him. He won’t understand. I’ve been doing this for too long. Lying to him. It’s a waste of time to try to stop.</p>
<hr/><p>After the fight, though I suppose it wasn’t really a fight, just the closest we’ve come to one in years, we go back to normal. I have my moments, but in general I like normal. Normal means laughing and telling stories. Normal means spending time together as much as we can. Normal means Daichi looks at me, smiles at me. It also means he talks about his girlfriend. It also means he leaves me to be with her. It also means heavy sighs every time I close my front door behind me. It is what it is though. I’ve stopped crying, more or less. </p><p>I spend a lot of time with Asahi nowadays. The way it always happens when one person in a three person friend group gets into a relationship. I feel selfish for it but sometimes I’m glad Asahi’s too chicken to talk to Nishinoya. I know the feelings he has are mutual, and if he made any sort of effort they’d be dating in no time. I don’t think I could stand being the only one left. Asahi’s fun to hang out with though. Sometimes I think he gets me even more than Daichi does. Maybe it’s just because we’re more similar. We invite Kiyoko to hang out with us too, but she rarely agrees. Again, another thing I respect her for. She can just turn down invitations.</p><p>There's one week where I'm never alone with Daichi. The weird thing is I didn’t even notice. For our entire friendship we would normally spend time together every day. Especially this year, being in the same class. I used to notice when twelve hours had passed without us having a one on one conversation. But it's been five days before I realise I haven’t spoken to him alone. I only notice because we're cleaning out the clubroom together, just the two of us, and it suddenly feels sort of awkward. </p><p>When a couple minutes have passed and a conversation hasn't started, I plug in my earphones. It's not that weird. There have been times in our friendship where me and Daichi were comfortable being together in silence. I would often listen to music then. I just pretend it's one of those times. I put on a playlist of cheesy 90s love songs. The kind my mom would bun on cds to play in the car when I was young, singing along in her beautiful, though untrained voice. They make me forget the awkwardness, and I clean with a smile.</p><p>I don’t hear Daichi’s approach, I just notice him suddenly on the floor beside me as I’m sorting through a box of old team memorabilia. He says something I can’t hear. I take out one earphone.<br/>
“Hmm?” I ask.<br/>
“You’re humming,” he tells me with a smile. I didn’t realise, “It’s making me crazy,” he takes the earphone from my hand, our fingers tangling as he grabs it, my heart jumps, “I know the song, but I just can’t-” he slips the earphone into his ear and holds it there.<br/>
He smiles and his gaze unfocuses. The way it does when he’s listening to music. Hy heart is pounding. He’s only inches away from me, he has to be, or the earphones won’t reach. When he spoke I could feel his voice on my skin.<br/>
His eyes drop back to mine and he grins.<br/>
“Kokia,” he says with a smile.<br/>
He’s always liked her. More than a teenage boy really ought to. Though, how can I say that as a teenage boy who loves her almost as much as he does.<br/>
His eyes don’t leave mine. He’s waiting for me to smile back at him, I realise. I haven’t moved since he touched my hand, I realise directly after. Slowly I let myself match his expression.<br/>
Satisfied, he closes his eyes to focus on the song again. Am I stupid for thinking this is the most romantic thing that has ever happened?</p><p>I'm not sure exactly what it is. Maybe it's because the song is nostalgic and romantic. Maybe it's because it's been so long since I touched him, so long since I really looked at him, really saw his smile. Maybe it's because after a couple days without having to, I've forgotten how to manage my imagination when I'm around him, I've forgotten how to suppress the stupid urges I always get, to kiss him, to hold him. Maybe it's just something that happens when you've been in love with someone for as long as I've been in love with Daichi. Just the way you react when someone you've loved for that long is this close to you.</p><p>Whatever it is, it consumes me. I kiss him.</p><p>His eyes open the second our lips touch, and he backs away, letting the earphone drop to the floor. I don't know what I expected.</p><p>His hand moves to his lips, then he looks at me in shock, in confusion.<br/>
"Did we just," he looks at the hand on his lips again, "did we just kiss?"<br/>
It's sort of funny, in an awful way, but it's easier to laugh then cry, so I smile.<br/>
"I-" it's clear his brain hasn't been able to digest it, "Suga, I'm sorry if I did anything, anything to make you-"<br/>
To make me think you liked me. It's cute how well I know him, how right I was when I said he didn't mean anything the way I hoped he meant them. It would be cute if it wasn't so heartbreaking.<br/>
"No, Daichi it's not your fault," I interrupt him, "I kissed you."<br/>
Again he becomes confused, looking between me and my lips and the hand at his lips. He looks at me again.<br/>
"Why would you do that?"<br/>
I almost don't have to fake it when I smile. It's funny. I say he doesn't know me, but it's funny how right I am. That even after more than two years of thinking about him every day. Of staring and grinning and touching. Of wanting and hoping and needing. Of holding myself back from doing exactly this every single time he did that cute little smile. Still he's this oblivious to my feelings. This completely and utterly unaware.</p><p>"I- I don't- I have a girlfriend Suga."<br/>
This is the point when my smile breaks into a laugh. Maybe I shouldn't find it funny. Shouldn't laugh at my own pain but I can't get over the irony of it. He says these things as if I don't know. As if I'm not painfully aware of Michimiya, how he feels about her, what they do together. As if I haven't known for years how much he didn't like me. How much his countless "I love you"'s and friendly touches were nothing more than brotherly love. He says it as if I don't know him, but he's so clearly the one who doesn't know. The one who doesn't understand.</p><p>"Calm down Daichi it was just a joke," it's a surprisingly easy lie to sell, it would be harder to explain why I'm actually laughing.<br/>
Daichi eyes me carefully, as if he has ever had any ability to read my emotions from my face. As if he's ever once noticed when I was lying. I wonder if he would believe tears of laughter, because I feel the wetness gathering in my eyes.<br/>
"If it was a joke it was a bad one."<br/>
I laugh again, this one faker than the last, but still more than believable enough to fool him.<br/>
"You never understand my sense of humour."<br/>
He watches for a second, then smiles. The smile hurts so much more.</p><p>I say there's nothing I'm outstanding at, but I guess that's not really true. There's one thing I've always been able to do better than anyone I know. I learnt it when my mom cried, thinking I was unhappy at my new school, which I was. I learnt it when my friends in middle school said my best quality was my upbeat attitude. I learnt it when the first compliment Daichi ever gave me was on my laugh. Even when my heart is breaking, when the world is crumbling around me, when I'm in so much pain I wish I'd never been born, better than anyone else I know, I can fake a smile.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sad Suga for the soul.<br/>I hope everyone enjoyed it.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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